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I've made more than 3 mistakes. but these are the ones I thought about when reading her Inner World.
You
curl up in my arms and I wish the world could just fade away. I want this
moment to last forever: with me as your fortress, protecting you from whatever it is that you may face. I’m the one who noticed you needed a friend. I’m the one who gave you
space because you needed it (and not because I didn’t notice—like them). I’m
the one who found you when you needed it most. I’m the one who pulled you tight
in a way that promised that I would never let go.
When I
came here tonight, I told myself I was done with this. I’m not one to make a
fool of myself, and it’s clear that whatever interest you once had is gone.
Today I’m just your friend. That’s what I whispered to you in my mind’s eye. A
whisper that never carried.
I
missed her so, so badly. I wanted desperately to feel as I once had, with her
by my side. I wanted to be in love, and I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel
complete. I wanted my other half.
You
came to me. You came to me at a time when you were as close to her as I could
get. I knew it was wrong. I kept telling myself that soon it would feel right.
Soon it would be just like with her. Soon I would feel complete again. But all
I did was rip another hole in your shredded heart.
I
kissed you and it was wrong. I wanted it to feel oh so right. It felt good. It wasn't worth the universe. And still, I ran my hands down your smooth skin. I lusted for your body, yet I relented at the moment that I could have swept you off your feet. You said I would regret kissing you, but all I regret is not taking all of you. It was wrong before. Now it would only wrong myself. Still, I shouldn’t have any. | | |
| but i can't think of something less fun than seeing that your ex's new girlfriend has a facebook and has recently changed her profile picture.
it's all well and good to say that she looked better at homecoming... but that's some good picture she put on her profile.
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| yeah, as long as you walk around after a break-up saying "this sucks, i wish it never happened", you can't possibly recover.
but this isn't something you just say "enough" to once and that's it. it's a constant struggle to find your path when you've been on someone else's for so long. it's more about yourself, and learning to separate yourself from someone you once were centered around.
and sometimes life throws you moods that you just can't handle without some help.
i need something to pull me out of this. and everything else that's going on at the same time isn't happening.
i need to pull myself out of this. i need to move in a new direction. i need to try new things and hang out with new people.
and i need to stop pretending like my emotional well-being depends on her, because the most important thing is to stop giving her the power to dictate my life.
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| okay so like seriously i never thought i could feel so much in one day.
the musical, by the way, was way amazing. lots of smiling and laughing.
i am so happy for you, Cara. When I see you with Eric and you're smiling and having fun it makes me want to smile. Truly. You deserve the best <3
Also watched Bring It On: All or Nothing on tv just now and that was a pretty good movie.
I feel weird, like as if every piece of me wants something different. I've been ecstatic and frustrated and sad and angry and lonely and hopeful and motivated and depressed. Honestly I feel so worn out emotionally. I think this break will be good for me, but I really hope I can enjoy it and not worry about what else is going on with my life.
I am so upset at myself for avoiding the english essay. I'm upset at
myself for wanting so badly to keep things from changing. I am so upset
at Emily for saying that she doesn't want to lose me and then refusing
to be a part of my life. But even more so, I'm angry at myself for wanting her even if she doesn't want me. I'm angry that I don't know what I want from her and I'm angry that even when I am so completely done with her I somehow always come back for more. I'm angry at myself for getting so desperate. I
am angry that I feel like I need someone to keep me going. I just need
everything to stop.
I've been okay when I take things one step at a time. I just have this
tendency to over analyze and go over the whole picture and that is what
is going to kill me one of these days. I realize i've been upset and
frustrated with myself all my life and I hate that. I don't want to be
a miserable wreck no matter what I do or what happens. That's just stupid. I just cause myself to shut
down and everything comes crashing down with it.
I want so much for myself. I want to be independent and confident and inspiring. I want to get good grades and start on varsity and have friends I can always count on. I want to get along with my parents and I want to actually finish the projects I start on. I want so badly to just keep pushing until I get there and still I find myself ruining my own life. I have self destructive and impulsive behavior and everything that has been going on in the past 2 months is just overwhelming me.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful break. I will be unavailable for the next week (on a cruise). The fastest way to reach me will be to leave me a voicemail on my cell which I will be able to return late Saturday night or early Sunday morning if necessary.
Be happy, be safe. Take care of each other while I'm gone. <3
~Rotem | | |
| so in case anyone is wondering where i disappeared to, i got a facebook.
i'm also getting a new xanga... i just need to come up with a screen name. *hint*i-need-suggestions*hint*
mostly though i feel pretty good right now. i think i finally found something that will change my life around. i've been feeling like all my little success in turning things around have been pointless because i had no center, but i think i just found it. certainly feels that way. 
so anyway, i'm tired. call/text the cell <3
~Temmy
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